These days I feel very confident in myself. It took a long time for that to happen. 32 years. And looking back I know what was lacking in me that led me to having low confidence and self-esteem.
I’m sitting in this spot at Victoria Park, feeling like I could take on any challenge put in front of me today. I’m wearing shorts and a t-shirt on a cool day. I can swim confidently in deep water. I’ve started to learn combat sports. I can stand up for myself. I can tap into anger without shame. I can have difficult and uncomfortable conversations with people in my life. I can make decision unilaterally that have profound consequences on my life, knowing that whatever happens I will figure it out. I am well travelled, geographically culturally and spiritually. I have friends all over the world. I am about to move to New York for 3 months to do an intensive software engineering program.
I am a very different person than the one who sat at this same spot in February 2010. I think on this same bench, the week before uni started, with a slip of paper in my hand that was an invitation to a social/buddying/mentorship event where I would have been introduces to lots of people from my cohort studying science and the first point of contact for establishing friendships and relationships at uni. I came all the way here to that event that morning. Terrified and so uncomfortable. I had so much social anxiety, social phobia about being perceived. My body image issues were at their height at this point. I came all the way here and then I sat down at this bench, agonised over going, feeling like complete shit and like my life was not worth living. I held the paper in my hands and I decided not to go. I decided it wasn’t worth it. I decided to do the thing that wasn’t scary.
But today i’m not scared. Or rather, I know better than to give in to that fear. I know it doesn’t lead anywhere good. I know today that fear is mostly an illusion. Most of my thoughts and their related emotions, especially the ones that I did not intend to bring about should be treated with no more substance than a dream.
In a little over a week i’ll be undertaking one of the biggest and most transformative experiences of my life. Moving to New York and doing the fractal bootcamp. So much potential. So much possibility for where it could lead. The same as when uni first started. A blank canvas to draw a future.
This time it’s different. This time I believe in myself. This time I love and respect myself. This time I have friends that I love dearly and that love and support me. This time I have resources. This time I actually want this. This time i’m not ignoring my emotional problems. This time I leaned heavily into them and spent years working through them.
This time I feel prepared. This time I feel excited. This time i’m walking into the experience — heart open and receptive to new friends, new experiences and new possibilities. This time I will make the most of my life.